the wow factor

I am back on the single road of life
.
I think I know what want now and I want the wow factor

Emptiness

I feel under attack.

Under attack by some little demon that ran off with my feelings and not trying to give them back.

I want to have feelings toward things. I want to be able too car. i want to be able to see someone and know i feel something.

when i am angry i feel a calm presence around me. when i should be yelling and screaming.

but at the end of the day i still fell nothing for no one or anything.


i just smile because i see others doing so

Time warp

So i have a boyfriend now.

he is an ex that i have always said that i want to be back with him.

Now that i am back with him i don't know if this is what i want. Like he is great. but i am not feeling anything at all. But at the same time i don't know what to expect either. I guess i am supposed to be happy with someone.
Its kinda like when u look forward to a day and then when it gets here it nothing like u built it up too be.

i don't know. but i know i like him and care for him lot. i think i got the pre relationship gritters i guess.

but this is my ex i dated when i was in high school. and he was my 1st love. but i'am sad that we live in different city and i cant be with him all the time like i like too be. at least the holidays are here and i can see him then

Not about looks

So it seems looks are not always everything.

I dont even know what i want. I am so confused in what i want. That i don't know what i want. lol

Cause i am dating like 4 guys. One is a sweet gentleman not easy on the eyes but has a good since a humor and took me on a great 1st date. One is handsome but nothing else behind it at all but a pretty face. One is a young guy he grew on my think more of a friend. One is a sweet cuddlier but in person its ok. we went out and it seem fun but it never went any where. So what guy am i on now.....hummm

well thats mostly everyone that iam talking too at the moment.

but each one has there own quality but its nothing that keeping me wanting to talk to them besides there conversation.

I thought i was ready to move on from my ex. But ever since he went to iraq and msg me before he left he seems to always fit his thumb into my heart. I am so scared to even let him know what i am feeling cause i think all he is doing is messing with my heart

*sigh*

too good to be true

When things seem too good to be true.... 8 times out of 10 they are.

Which story should i start off with.

Well that dream guy i met last week. He was way too good to be true. I could tell something was up by the shoes he wore. He lied about everything about him. Only thing he didn't lie about was the sky was blue. It was so much i couldn't come back from that. 2nd chances not here. He was so handsome. But he was just a pretty face.... gosh.... the kids would have been so pretty too.

aaaggghhhhhh

well ex is back again.

i was at 99% not caring but then he finds that one percent and tugs on it and got 10 % out of me. I don't know what kind of hold he has on me but he does. And I finally got the apologizes that i wanted. Along with other confessions. I was hopping he wasn't just talking out the ass. Cause i know how he is. But i started to get to the point of him being on my mind and smile when i got a message from him. then i start to see signs of his old ways.... and i want to turn a blind eye to it but i know its still there.


hhuuuummmmmmm idk

now i am back to step one!

Walking and clicking

I love to take long walks to clear my head.

Walking and listening to music is great it makes a lot of the things in my head make since.

When i was walking off my day today i was stooped by an interesting gentleman. I think this is the most interesting conversation i have had in a while. We walked around the neighborhood for an hour an a half talking about life. From religion, travel, food, school, pets, lifestyles, relationships, past, future....,man just walking and talking.

I think the best part is that he live across from me. So it will be an interesting journey. Cant wait till tomorrow to see how the next walk will be.

Karma.......

When i was freshly single and dating it seem like everyone wanted me to be there girlfriend. But i was was very much still heart broken. So i wasn't trying to hear anything. And now that I am opening up to the subject of being something more. it seems that no one wants to be more than friends.

Is this karma coming back too me for all the things i was doing for about 8 months?

Or is this a sign saying that i should stay single cause something is about to happen? that i need to be single for? Hummm i don know. But i am contently trying to figure out whats next. Even tho I know i need to sit back and just let it all play out. But that is not the kind of person that i am. I am a take charge and have a plan type of person. Then at the same time i like to act spur of the moment about certain things. But that is rare and not often. But i am open too it...for the most part.

But till then it is karma playing a role in my relationships. So i guess i will sit back and not try and add on too what is already there

Same time same place

Can you meet the same type of person twice?

I think I have.

I have herd of a old tale that everyone has a twin on this earth. I mean we see it when celebrity look a like come forth. But i am saying have you ever meet two people that have so many quality's a like that it is almost crazy. And I have meet two people that are so much alike that i should mention there differences instead of their similarities

The only things that are different is some physical attributes and some slight characteristics. I mean they are military children. Almost same family problem that is effecting there trust issues. Closer to there mom than dad. Birthday's that is 10 days apart and they share the same astrological sign. They both have a close friend that is slight bit dependent on them. They both have this hard exterior but are ultra sweet when they are split apart from there "dead leg". Since i meet them i have seen them everyday for the most part. They both dnt know how to commit. When mad same reaction. Have tattoos in almost the same spots. I meet both of them around the same time one a year ahead other year after. Maybe a month difference in original met date.

I thought i was getting over him instead i was replacing him with a fresh no history him. And it was almost great. Cause it was him with out the commitment with out the hurt feelings that the last brought on. But the emotional attachment isn't there. But him being there physically just makes up for anything else. Some times a hug goes a long way. I missed that cause in the end of mine i didn't have him physically.


I don't know if this is weird too you like it is too me....but i think i might be seeing double.

Only time will tell

The saying "If you love someone let them go. If they return to you it was meant to be"

Well i am putting it to the test. I have let this guy go so many times. And he seems to always find his way back even threw all the fighting and the heart ache. The only problem is that when he comes back I don't trust him or his words. I don't believe that he is saying them only for me.

Then at the same time I don't feel anything. Cause I have blocked out a lot of things. If i don't see any action behind it or well the action that i believe that should be behind it I don't really take it too heart. This type of attitude that i have is not good.

Cause i am pre judging before it happens. Even tho i have every reason too. Something like this will only set him up for failure. I am so confused it is crazy cause i still have feelings for him. But i believe if i show him it will make him not want to try as hard to get me back. Then on the other hand that is playing games.

i don't know what to do

only time will tell

What are Feelings....

Feelings definition

1.
sense of touch: the sensation felt on touching something
2.
ability to have physical sensation: the ability to perceive physical sensation in a part of the body
"Slowly the feeling returned to his fingers."
3.
something experienced physically or mentally: a perceived physical or mental sensation
4.
something felt emotionally: a perceived emotional state
5.
affection: the emotional response of love, sympathy, or tenderness toward somebody
6.
ability to express emotion: the capacity to experience strong emotions
7.
impression sensed: a particular impression, appearance, effect, or atmosphere sensed from something
"There was a feeling of abandonment about the old house."
8.
instinctive awareness: an instinctive awareness or presentiment of something
"I have a feeling you're going to be disappointed."
9.
instinctive understanding or talent: an instinctive understanding of or talent for something
"has a real feeling for this kind of work"
10.
expressive ability: the ability to express strong emotion, especially in performance
"Play the piece again with more feeling."


I don't feel anything

All i seem to feel is sadness or a lost of something.
I smile because i know the situation at hand calls for smiling. But most of the time i don't smile because i am truly happy with what is at hand.
I can feel the cool evening breeze blow across my face as i watch the sun set.
i can feel a headache when it comes pounding on my temple as if a drum line was practicing. I laugh because i think the situation calls for laughing not because i feel it inside.

I know when i see the phone light up in the dark and it revels your name. I know my heart skips just a little cause i never know what the message may bring.

The feeling of tightness on the left side of my chest says that your still touching my heart.

confused

I look at you and i see something i cant even explain.
its nothing i can tell you cause you carry so much on your chest. I am so confused cause i want to act on my actions my feelings and thoughts.
I have to be patient and not hold on. Cause if my heart gets into these feelings it is a cause to get hurt. I am not trying to feel that again.
Even though u warned me in the start. I see so much deeper past your pain and your fears. When i stare into your eyes i see so much i get chills.

I hope one day that you can see.
If not it wont cross my lips cause it will be something that will break the camel back

Not in my hands

It's a reason why this time around the power is not in my hand to move on.

Someone seems fit so I can. Everytime I am around the urge is not there for me too see you any more. I don't wanke up and wish you was beside me. I don't think about you everyday. I don't look for you too be at my door when there is a knock. I don't look for your calls. But I do pray for ur well being. I pray for you too find happiness. I am finnaly @ the 99% I needed to walk away. I will leave you with my 1%. I hope it does you well. Cause in the end you will always have a part of me if I want to admit it or not. But

The strobborn person sometimes need a steady rock just to walk away. I'm ready to walk away.. With out what I needed. Cause I can't always get what I want. But this is best for me.

I will take this lesson I learned and apply it the the future lover of mine.

Square 1

I seemed to pick the same too guys too find interesting... They guys are usually laid back or straight Dushbags!!!!

So the guy that i am dating now is something different. He has finished college got his degree in business and now going back to school for his masters. He is a gentleman and has a good conversation its not great but it is good. He makes really really corny jokes when he gets awkward. But is a real sweetheart. So I know your probably thinking why dosent she talk to this guy. I don't know why i don't really feel a connection. I mean we have been out on like 3 dates and no kiss or attempt for a kiss. hummmppphhh i dont know.

In love with Lies (poem)

The reason why I can see between your lies because I won't let myself fall into the pit of deceit.

Awwww but I have laid before on those soft sheets. I laid in their web just for awhile. Cause I wanted to see why everyone else smiles.
I wanted to see why lies are soothing to a untrained ear. These are so sweet. I stay on a sugar high as I jam to the sound of lies while laying on cloud 9.

As I lay here I feel the chill in the air no warmth can make it here. So I cover myself with deceit & close my eyes to the pain I wish to ignore.

I am on cloud 9 but I am only up here by lies. If this is a lie why come go back down with loneliness & discomfort.

When I can sit here with my bottle of empty promises and pretend everything will be fine. This song is stuck on repeat "there will be no one better for you, there is only one me". Time after time I listen to this song.

When I finally put down the headphones thats are full of strung out lies.

And lifted the vial of uncovered truths.

Attention (poem)

I love the attention. I love you's" "you mean the world too me" "i care for you a lot" but I don't feel the same way. I think if I stay around long enough maybe I can feel the same thing.

I am numb to the feelings of these emotions. I feel only pain. I feel only stress. It seems to me that my feelings are reversed to everything that happens. Things that didn't bother me before are bothering me now. The things I used to love to surround my self in don't give me the same pleasure as before.

I keep boys around so I can hear this sweet nectar to my ears. So I can get high off your embrace.

When I think of how you are for me eases my mind. When I think of your want that you have for me gives me the energy to keep moving.

The coal that keeps me running shouldn't come from anther source but mine. But others coal just burn so great inside my soul.

Then as the fire finally comes to a glowing ash.

I seek out anthers love & embrace of the next dark & coal.

Understand

Vacations bring great memories and you meet great people. Sometime you can meet a long time friend or someone special. I meet someone that interested me on this trip. It seemed like we could have went far in a relationship aspect. As time went on it was a constant battle back and forth. Why!? please I don't even know where to begin. I was under the impression that he was interested in me & i was interested in him but at the same time our personality clashed. Then I do have my ways off messing things up too. Cause i am head strong, smart mouth, short temper, spoiled, have it my way type of personality. But he seems to bring all of these things out of me at once. I really don't understand why or how. I try to open my self up but with him i am so guarded and i really don't know how to let down that wall. Cause when i talk to him i feel like he belittle me or try to seem superior so this causes me to back up and put a guard up. this is an ongoing battle.....i will just have to take this loss


hummmmmppppphhhhh just will be anther one i don't understand