Knowing

me getting close too you is always a physical.

i want too just be close too you in a emotional way.

you see me as the best your ever had.

i see you as the love that i will always aspire too get close too.

so i play your game. thinking i can get a head. i play this game knowing i will get hurt. but just too be in your arms and we be connected is all i need.

well that is what i think. till you are inside and

i want to b inside your mind to tell your mind that i am the one. i am the one that see your for who u are. i am the one that wants you. i am the one that is true.

in your head the blood rushes, the sensation of whats about to happen is going there your head.

in these min as i lay here you are mine as i am yours. In these moments i have nothing too compete with nothing to distract you. Your head is on me and inside of me.
i have won these min.
but in reality i am lost

i am losing a piece of me i wont get back. I am losing my faith in you that i seem that i cant take away. I am losing what makes me me. I am losing cause i am not strong enough too say no and walk away. I am losing cause i have lost so much and i dont want to lose any more. I am losing the tears i cry because i know as soon as this is done.

I am just something that u can wipe away.

Pain

these tears in my eye that i thought dried up along time ago

this sunken feeling in my soul i thought rose along time ago

this pain that i feel i thought healed along time ago


There is an acing in my soul where it will never heal. there is a pressure in my heart that has yet to relive its self.

the memories i thought was gone come back for a brief moment and all the pain and sad days rush back at once.

i gasp because it takes my breath away at the thought of the pain

pain that was so bad all i could do was lay one the floor and hope that no one could see.

pain that burned my eyes because all of the tears as been flowing like a water fall that has finally run dry.

sleepless night cause all i see is the memories that play and play and i just want them to stop so i dnt go to sleep at all.

stomach is in pain and yelling at me to feed me. But its nothing that can feel this emptiness in side that has came.

This is a pain i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
the pain of heart break is worse than a gun shot. With a gun shot you can go to the hospital and get help for this wound. Medicine that takes the pain away until it is healed. A broken heart has no remedy. It has to run its course. And i the end you have no clue how u will be. How your body has reacted to it. You dont even know if your all the way healed.
Cause you don't know what could set you back to day 1.

all i hear is that "it will be ok" Until "ok" is here iam doing not ok.

Tell me when ok comes.

ill be here

Control

Sometimes.....

I want to go in the past and bring up the things that i think that are unfinished.
So i can not have the thoughts of "What could have been"

I always want to give my all.

I know i cant control everything but i want too at least try.

I want to control who can keep my feelings. I want to take them back at will and give them to someone that truly deserves them.

I have control. I feel it between my fingers.

I feel it in my grasp but the harder i clamp down on my dreams,emotions, the more i see them come threw my imperfect hands and fall too the floor like a feather in the wind.

Rain

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

i hear the rain hit against my window
i feel the cool air kiss my skin
i smell the fresh rain that rinse the impurities out the air

as my tears mix in with the rain that hits my face each one is a tear for the different pains that i wish that would go away.

this is the only way that i can let out my thoughts and feelings.
my tears in the rain
cause if u look at me it will seem that i just enjoy the rain against my face
but in reality i hide behind it

i hide from judgement eyes
i hide from disbelief lips
i hide from lier hands

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the rain against my face.
i can feel something besides the lost thats in my heart.
i love these rainy nights. its God wiping the pain from my eyes.

New year

At the begging of the year i make new year promises to myself.

I am going to promise my self to give things a try give it my all . but with that take my time. I cant not just shut out things if i see them not going my way. I just need to stay focused.

Well this year has already started off crazy. I have added new/old guys too my life. I dont know what i am running from might not be as bad as i think. maybe if i take the time to look at my situation maybe i can fix it. Or maybe the past is just the past and i should keep l, looking forward.

But the more i look fwd the more that i see my past in the new people i meet. The more i see what i am running from. the more it catches up too me. or i take the time to stop and let the pass catch me then i think i can have more. so i run and i run fast to the next and they are nothing of what i even thought they would be. So when i am tired of running my past that has been trying to catch me has caught me.
and the reason why he caught me is because he is running from the same thing.

but i end up with the short stick