lost time

As I stand here and I look around and take a deep breath
this room tells so many stories and hold so many memories
i quickly exhale

these boxs are so heavy as i pick them up to take them too the car
i look around this piratically bare space
to see the sun is gleaming on the open door way to the closet that held some of my personal belongings
i was drawn to the closet one last time to see if i have something that was left
sitting in dim light on the top shelf was a bear that I once loved so dear

my love bear
this is my first bear
this it self just tells so many stories.
the thoughtfulness that you once had for me.
this is also signals the decline in our love
as i hold the bear in my arms
i feel your embrace
i feel the warmth of your skin
ooohhh how i thought this was going too last
but now as i look at my packed things i start on a new path
these memories is also attached with heart ache
so much pain it lead too many sleepless nights
many pillow soaked nights

ill leave it here with the thought of you.
carrying this will just carry more thoughts that i need too move on from.

i walk away and leave it there.
i shut the door too this thought.

waiting too exhale

stitch too some
but this smell makes me think about the endless nights under a star lit sky
taking a breath
i feel my lungs tighten and my breath shorten

out! out! i need you out!

my lungs reject the filth that is place in the air
my eyes are burning from being enclosed in this cloud

rush of tingles reaches the tips of my fingers and toes.
close my eyes do go deep inside of my mind
what i see comes too no surprise

inhale

i feel softness caress my lips
and a hand moving up my spine
this lips taste just like the finest glass of wine.


inhale

my throat closes
my breath is becoming short
the thought of fights, lies, deceit
heart is pounding, beating,
as it speeds up my thoughts are getting blurry

exhale
(gasps gasps )
eyes fly open to come back to reality

this warm flow that comes from my eyes are rolling down to my side

in these thoughts i can not reside

just that it comes time after time
the swish of a walk
the tone of ones talk
this keeps placing my mind on a block

Vase

deep behind the brim of this vase
is empty inside

filled with this rush of motion

Filled up to the brim.
this vase has many cracks and leaks.
none are seen by the eye
pales are near by
that can catch what has not been kept with in
it has many stories that is hidden in the walls

filled with this rush this power

filled too the brim

pale after pale are on the side
catching things, that tried too reside
if you look past the brim you will see,barley any reside
just have to drain whats on the inside.
and take time to repair
don't rush

just fill a little tender love and care.

filled to the brim
with patches everywhere
It is a sign now that hangs on the brim
please dont give more than one can bear

patches arent finshed drying yet
so handle gently, softly in a loving way

rush of motion
powerful energy
warmth of shine
sweet smells

filled too the brim

no pales anywhere

Chance

Your the one I want.
I dnt know what too do.
I see u in my mind
I see u all the time.
I really wish u was mine.
I can still feel your touch.
I smell ur cologne........awww u smell so good.
I wish u could see what I see.
I wish I could promise you no more heart ache.
I want u too know that your dreams is just a reach away.
All I need u too do is, reach

Reach for me
Reach for your dreams

Maby I an not your dream
Maybe I am just a fragment of your imagination

Just I wish you would close your eyes and let us exist in the existence.

Let us intertwine inside of our mind and leave that world behind
and become blind

sign

At times i wonder do i have a sign on me that reads
"hit me up if you want a good time"

at times i wonder when i walk does my hips say
"if you halla at me ill let you inside"

at times i wonder when i talk to my lips say
"if u stare long enough it will be worth your time"


i really wonder what is it about me that makes you go so wild. That makes you melt at my touch. What makes you feel so good inside.

is it my mountains that sits on my chest that you wanna climb into.

do you know my mind runs on like the Mississippi river. that i have dreams as far as the galaxy will take you. that i have values that will make u crumble.

but all you can think about is what lays between my thighs and trying to take something that is mine.

Cant give up

I wonder why somethings or some people in your life you cant give up.

I have never had a problem with letting someone or something go. I can easily let it slip threw my fingers. I can give it up with out a heart beat.

But for some reason. I have a strange connection with this one guy. I can not let him go. I have tried. I have thought about the bad times. I have thought about what he has put me threw. But even threw it all i can only remember the good times. I hear what everyone is telling me about him.

I know that.

its something i just feel. And honestly my feelings has never really told me anything wrong. But in my heart i know the time is not right for us to be together or work on it. Even though myself just want it to just start over. And everything will be ok. It just dosen't work like that.

So i will set this one on the shelf and keep going with my everyday life. I just keep my head up and deal with it when its in my face till then.

ill remember you smile

What is a Title?

I hear that once you put a title on something that it changes your outlook on it?

I guess i can see where this can be somewhat true.

I guess if i met a stranger and we sat down and had a pretty in-depth conversation that just blew me away but the day was getting late and I wanted to finish at a later time. But he said that his time was limited that we couldn't meet up all the time. And when i asked why, he then he told me in the end he was an Ex-Convict. Would my thoughts about this person change? To be honest it probably will. Cause the title of a convict holds so much in my mind.

I see a title as me getting rule of thumb to what the situation or thing might be. I like to know what i see. Meaning if i see something that is red, soft but firm and round. I would like to think that it is a tomato but it also could be an apple. Cause with these titles i expect certain things. I expect one to be crunchy and the other i expect to be soft and mushy.

Title of friends, talking, dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, relationship, engaged, married. Yes these are different roles that come with talking to someone that you wish too share a greater passion for.

So why not have a title? Things are going to be complicated either way it goes. He/she content thinking why don't they want to even have a title with them. Cause things don't have to be complicated. And if they do become complicated thats fine. Why not take that risk? Why not just dive in and experience love at its raw its moments? yes you should jump with cation but somethings you just have too jump too.

all i say is take risks and count your winnings

My ex's

So outb of all the people I have ever dated. I have two ex's that stands out. I mean I would be back with them at a drop of a hat. These two guys that have spun me around and let me too find my own direction.But honestly I think my life is in a better direction because of the things I went threw with them.

My 1st love....& my worst heart break. They set the bar with the type off connection i look for. Which is good and bad. I like the instant connection. I like how we have everything in common under the sun. I like how I feel so comfatable with them that I can open up and say anything. I like how we seem to be like glue from the start. I like the endless conversations. I like the way they.put up with my anger and spoiled ways. I like that they make me there everything. I like how they dont let me go even when I try too run with all my heart. I like they are down for a fight. But manley I like that they are down for me.

I know your problay saying that wow if you had all of that with someone,how did it end? what went wrong? And honestly I do not have an answer for you. These are the only guys I have never cheated on. That I gave my all. These are the guys that I saw my self marrying.
But they both left me for someone else.

They are reason number 2 that I want too study relationships and dating. There are so many questions I dont have an answer too & I dont underatand. So hopefully this will give me the patterns that others have discoverd threw life.

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Selfish?

Well i am still dating and seeing what is out there. My ex came back in my life again.Not that he has every really left but, just pushed his way to the surface. to shake up my thoughts again. But i have too say it is refreshing that it didn't bother me as much like it used too. Now I can see him and keep my feelings under control. I can go out to dinner with him and accept that this is not going any further than this meal that we are sharing at this time and place. Cause right now i am talking to one of my high school dreams. He was the reason i took a class. Feels great to be talking to him and too have him interested in me and as am I. I feel like we click but almost too late in time.

Is that even possible?

Well I think that he has a lot on his plate at this time and place and for me to even add to that would be selfish of me. I only want to add to his plate because i wanted to step up and say how i felt in the past. And want to live out something i didn't have the courage to do then. I know for a fact that i am a lot to handle and i love attention and being slight bit self-centered. Which is something that i am working on but his attention is needed in 4 other places before he could even possibly think about me. He has 3 special seeds that needs his light and water so they can grow into these beautiful flowers. Then he has to be that sun for them but things are going threw the rainy season and for me to add thunder too it. I am not saying that i am that thunder but i come with my own pot and i have always gotten a lot of sun.

Maybe i am seeing this situation as an excuse as an easy pass out because the situation he is in his defiantly a expert course. That only past or similar travelers can travel this road. And for inexperience travelers this might be a little over whelming.

I am just think i am not the right one for him in the end. Even though he is sweet and has a great heart and excellent go get'em attitude. He has truly been a great friend

I just think it might be the wrong time or i might have missed my chance.

Knowing

me getting close too you is always a physical.

i want too just be close too you in a emotional way.

you see me as the best your ever had.

i see you as the love that i will always aspire too get close too.

so i play your game. thinking i can get a head. i play this game knowing i will get hurt. but just too be in your arms and we be connected is all i need.

well that is what i think. till you are inside and

i want to b inside your mind to tell your mind that i am the one. i am the one that see your for who u are. i am the one that wants you. i am the one that is true.

in your head the blood rushes, the sensation of whats about to happen is going there your head.

in these min as i lay here you are mine as i am yours. In these moments i have nothing too compete with nothing to distract you. Your head is on me and inside of me.
i have won these min.
but in reality i am lost

i am losing a piece of me i wont get back. I am losing my faith in you that i seem that i cant take away. I am losing what makes me me. I am losing cause i am not strong enough too say no and walk away. I am losing cause i have lost so much and i dont want to lose any more. I am losing the tears i cry because i know as soon as this is done.

I am just something that u can wipe away.

Pain

these tears in my eye that i thought dried up along time ago

this sunken feeling in my soul i thought rose along time ago

this pain that i feel i thought healed along time ago


There is an acing in my soul where it will never heal. there is a pressure in my heart that has yet to relive its self.

the memories i thought was gone come back for a brief moment and all the pain and sad days rush back at once.

i gasp because it takes my breath away at the thought of the pain

pain that was so bad all i could do was lay one the floor and hope that no one could see.

pain that burned my eyes because all of the tears as been flowing like a water fall that has finally run dry.

sleepless night cause all i see is the memories that play and play and i just want them to stop so i dnt go to sleep at all.

stomach is in pain and yelling at me to feed me. But its nothing that can feel this emptiness in side that has came.

This is a pain i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
the pain of heart break is worse than a gun shot. With a gun shot you can go to the hospital and get help for this wound. Medicine that takes the pain away until it is healed. A broken heart has no remedy. It has to run its course. And i the end you have no clue how u will be. How your body has reacted to it. You dont even know if your all the way healed.
Cause you don't know what could set you back to day 1.

all i hear is that "it will be ok" Until "ok" is here iam doing not ok.

Tell me when ok comes.

ill be here

Control

Sometimes.....

I want to go in the past and bring up the things that i think that are unfinished.
So i can not have the thoughts of "What could have been"

I always want to give my all.

I know i cant control everything but i want too at least try.

I want to control who can keep my feelings. I want to take them back at will and give them to someone that truly deserves them.

I have control. I feel it between my fingers.

I feel it in my grasp but the harder i clamp down on my dreams,emotions, the more i see them come threw my imperfect hands and fall too the floor like a feather in the wind.

Rain

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh

i hear the rain hit against my window
i feel the cool air kiss my skin
i smell the fresh rain that rinse the impurities out the air

as my tears mix in with the rain that hits my face each one is a tear for the different pains that i wish that would go away.

this is the only way that i can let out my thoughts and feelings.
my tears in the rain
cause if u look at me it will seem that i just enjoy the rain against my face
but in reality i hide behind it

i hide from judgement eyes
i hide from disbelief lips
i hide from lier hands

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the rain against my face.
i can feel something besides the lost thats in my heart.
i love these rainy nights. its God wiping the pain from my eyes.

New year

At the begging of the year i make new year promises to myself.

I am going to promise my self to give things a try give it my all . but with that take my time. I cant not just shut out things if i see them not going my way. I just need to stay focused.

Well this year has already started off crazy. I have added new/old guys too my life. I dont know what i am running from might not be as bad as i think. maybe if i take the time to look at my situation maybe i can fix it. Or maybe the past is just the past and i should keep l, looking forward.

But the more i look fwd the more that i see my past in the new people i meet. The more i see what i am running from. the more it catches up too me. or i take the time to stop and let the pass catch me then i think i can have more. so i run and i run fast to the next and they are nothing of what i even thought they would be. So when i am tired of running my past that has been trying to catch me has caught me.
and the reason why he caught me is because he is running from the same thing.

but i end up with the short stick